


South Park is YUneeque!

by metrophobic



Series: Yaoi Hands [3]
Category: South Park
Genre: Butthole Lips, Canon Era, Femme Tweek, Gen, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Shitty Makeup Products, multi-level marketing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2019-07-15 08:38:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16059503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/metrophobic/pseuds/metrophobic
Summary: Eric has embarked upon a clever new business venture that isn't a pyramid scheme at all! But he's gotta deal with some friction when the girls aren't appreciative of how fabulous he is, so he has to find a new lovely model to display his wares. Unfortunately, beauty must always come at a price. Will Tweek and Craig make it out of this one alive?





	South Park is YUneeque!

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I hit a bit of a writer's block on my serious WIPs right now, and couldn't get this idea out of my head, so out it came.
> 
> Many thanks to rachhell for embarking with me on this amazing journey.

It was a beautiful fall morning in the sleepy little mountain town of South Park. Leaves were scattered all over the ground in lovely shades of orange and brown. The sky was a deep blue, covered with graying clouds. Was it going to rain today? Boy, Eric certainly hoped not! It was a shame he'd forgotten to check the weather. But no matter. As he approached the doors of his elementary school he stopped to take in a great lungful of air, then released it with a big smile.

“Good _morning!_ ” he called cheerfully to the students who were chilling out front. They just stared at him. Eric poked his tongue out in concentration as he reached up to adjust the little bow clipped in his hair, and swung open the doors to the school.

It was a brand new morning!

“Good morning, Butters!”

“Aw, hey, Eric! Gosh, what's all over your face?”

Eric just grinned brightly and puckered his lips up like a butthole, then continued on his merry way.

“Hel- _lo_ Stan!”

“Dude, what the fuck?”

“And a fine morning to _you,_ Craig!”

“Hi Erica.”

“Oh, stop, you silly fag!” giggled Eric. “I’m not Erica, I'm just fabulous!”

“I don’t think you're supposed to call us that!” Tweek called after him. Eric just rolled his eyes. Some people were just so _touchy,_ and let the status of being the school’s de facto power couple go to their heads. He paused briefly in front of the bathrooms, unsure of which one he was supposed to use. Should he just go for broke and use the cissy room?

“What are you doing?”

It was Wendy, who had just emerged from the girls’ room. She was staring right at Eric with a sour look on her dumb bitch face. Clearly it was time to lay on the charm. Eric puckered his lips again and batted his eyelashes at her. They felt really heavy against his lids, like they would crack and break off at any moment. He probably needed to apply more.

“Oh, hello Wendy!” he greeted her brightly. She did not look amused.

“What in the name of the goddess are you _wearing?_ ”

“It’s my brand,” Eric explained. Then he realized Wendy was probably too stupid to understand what a _brand_ was except for when it was on ponies, so he added, “This is my product. I'm wearing it so people will see it and support my business. That's called _advertising._ ”

“You look like garbage,” Wendy said with a roll of her eyes, and walked straight past him.

“So you don’t wanna buy any?” Eric called to her retreating back. She pretended like she didn’t hear him. Girls and their hard-to-get bullcrap. He would get her at lunch.

He decided to just head into the girls’ room after all. If anyone asked, he would pretend to be trans-ginger.

Eric stopped in front of the mirror, set his bright purple purse down and studied his face in the mirror. “I am strong,” he told himself. “I am me. I am unique.” They were called affirmations and basically they meant that he was the smartest and coolest guy in the whole school, and also that he was fucking fabulous. Even more fabulous than that bitch Craig.

He pulled out a tube of sparkling pink gloss and pursed his lips, rubbed it all over the neon blue he had painted them. It smeared over his mouth like fingerpaints and made it look like he had a powerful, glistening vagina on his face. He was also glowing all over from the flawless finishing powder he caked over his face, and when he fluttered his thick, jagged lashes, the shimmering array of green, orange, and purple on his eyelids were like a mermaid's wings. Eric pulled out his eyebrow pencil, and touched up the thick, angled brows he'd meticulously shaped that morning. They looked like they were drawn on with a greasy black sharpie, which he knew was the style at the time, and therefore it was totally awesome and cool.

“Hmmm,” Eric mused. “I still need something else. Oh! I know!” With his contouring palette he drew brown stripes on his cheeks, chin and forehead, then smeared it all over his nose. He was fucking beautiful. Eric finished off touching up his look by outlining his lips in dark grey and then packed it all up into his cute little pocketbook again.

The door swung inward. “Eww!” yelled one of the two girls who walked in.

“Good morning, ladies!” Eric said as he turned around again. It was time to put that entrepreneur spirit to work. “Can I interest you in some fine makeup today?”

“Are you _new_ or something?” Red asked.

“Who even did your makeup,” snorted Lola, “your grandma?” Both of them snickered loudly.

“This right _hyah,_ ” Eric indicated the mascara brush he just pulled out, “is called 3D Fiber Lashes. It makes your lashes look textured and fibrous, like mine.”

“Whatever,” said Lola as she headed for the stalls. “I have to pee.”

“Me too.”

Eric watched them go, then shrugged and headed back out the door. Class was about to start anyway. He would start marketing to everyone at recess. The market was unlimited and the entire school was a wealth of untapped earning potential.

He couldn't wait.

 

* * *

 

“And so,” Eric concluded as he patted his face with a big, thick powder puff, “when you put on this finishing powder, it coats your face in a thick layer of talc, which makes it flawless.” The powder rose up around him like a little cloud, and it made him cough. A couple kids in the front row sneezed. “Are there any questions? No? Clyde? …Clyde, do you have any questions? Okay. If you want to join my company, you can get a starter kit for $300. If you sell $500, you get this fancy purse, a $200 value!” He held up the purse and smiled brightly. “So just let me know if you want to get in on the ground floor of this amazing opportunity, and I’ll see _you—_ ” he winked and made finger-guns toward the audience, “—out in the field.”

“Thank you, Eric,” said Mr. Garrison, who was mysteriously back to teaching his class and wasn’t actually President of the United States in this episode, though instead of Mr. Slave he had Caitlyn Jenner as his teaching assistant. “But your report was supposed to be on the rise of imperialism in the west and why colonization is going to advance the human race, so you get a D-minus.”

“God fucking damn it,” Eric muttered, as he took his seat. Just then, the bell rang, and everyone excitedly got to their feet.

“All right, you little bastards,” said Mr. Garrison. “Remember what we talked about, _before_ Eric got up there and went on about his shitty clown makeup.”

“I thought it was beautiful!” Caitlyn Jenner remarked as she filed her nails, thick tongue hanging out of the side of her mouth like a dog’s.

Eric followed the rest of the class outside. It was time to put his charm and amazing upselling skills to work.

“Excuse me!” he called out as he approached the girls, and kissed the air with a dramatic flutter of his freshly-applied 3D Fiber Lashes. “Can I interest you ladies in any—”

“Go away!” shouted Sally Darson.

“Bebe?” Eric approached her. “Bebe, I know how much you _love_ makeup. Now who’s ready to make some fuckin’ _money?_ ”

“Get away from me,” said Bebe.

“Now Bebe, Bebe. Don’t be like that.” Eric tried to put his arm around her shoulder. She slapped him. “ _Ow!_ Don’t do that, you dumb bitch! You’ll mess up my makeup!”

“ _Good!_ ” Bebe shouted at him. “You’re gross! If you touch me again I’ll rip your balls off!”

“Hey, Eric,” Jimmy called out as he passed by with Token and Clyde. “Puh-pennywise called, and he w-wuh— he said he wuh— he want— Pennywise called and said he wanted to go— to go— to go on a hot date with you!” Token and Clyde cracked up along with him.

“Very _funny,_ Jimmy,” Eric retorted, and ran his hands down his sides with a wiggle to show off his badonkadonk. “You’re just  _jelly_ you ain't _ready._  —Anyway, Bebe,” he continued, and pulled out his mascara brush. “If you’d just let me try—”

“God, you’re so _disgusting!_ ” Bebe hollered. “Go _away!_ ”

“Anyone else? Wendy? Annie?” Eric watched the girls scurry away from him like a herd of frightened gazelle. “Hmm.” He studied his makeup bag for a moment, and then a lightbulb lit up inside him. “A- _ha!_ I can’t sell this product on my own, because I’m too manly. It looks _too_ amazing on me!” But he couldn’t just put it on a girl, either, because the girls had this thing where whoever was the prettiest was also a slut, which was true, but then they’d just be ignoring her and wouldn’t buy anything or want to be recruited into his team of rockstars. “I need to find myself a model, fast!” he said to himself. “But who… who is pretty enough to be a model that’s popular with the girls, but _without_ being their competition?”

Craig was pushing Tweek on the swings when Eric approached them. “If it isn’t my two favourite f— _lovebirds!_ ” he cooed, having caught himself in time because he almost forgot that butt pirates were really sensitive about who they were. Tweek blinked at him, but Craig just ignored him entirely. That was all right. He didn’t want to talk to that asshole anyway. “If I could just,” and Eric winked, “ _borrow_ Tweek for a minute.”

“ _Ah!_ Why?!”

“This isn’t about that makeup shit, is it,” Craig asked flatly. “Because we’re not interested.” As soon as he said that, Tweek shoved his feet into the ground. They scuffed along the dirt as the swing came to an abrupt stop.

Boy, if looks could kill.

“ _We!?_ ” Tweek shrieked at him, and whipped his head around to stare down his boyfriend. Craig put up his hands.

“Okay,” he said. “Come on, babe. You know what I meant.”

“ _Uh-oh,_ ” Eric remarked. “Trouble in paradise?”

“You _know_ I hate it when you try to speak _for_ me!” snapped Tweek. “We’ve _talked_ about this, Craig!”

“I know,” said Craig. “Sorry. I forgot.”

“You _forgot?! Wagh!_ ” Tweek hopped up to his feet. “I’m my own _person,_ Craig! _Gah!_ I’m preserving my autonomy and worth as a human being! Fuck you!”

“Ugh,” said Craig.

“Anyway, Tweek,” said Eric. “If you’ll just follow me into the ladies'  room…”

 

* * *

 

“I-I don’t know about this…” said Tweek with a little grimace. He was standing in front of the mirror with Eric beside him. Eric was trying to put the eyeshadow on him, but he was being a fidgety little shit and kept yanking away like a terrified squirrel whenever the brush touched his eyelid.

“Just hold still Tweek _goddamnit,_ ” Eric grunted in frustration.

“Shouldn’t you get one of the girls to do this?”

“We’ve already been through this, Tweek,” Eric said with an impatient roll of the eyes. “For the _fifth time,_ the girls are our primary market! We need a model that won’t make them feel insecure! That’s why I’m using you, because you have pretty blond hair and the face of an angel but you also have a penis, so the girls won’t feel threatened by you.” He knew for a fact that Tweek had a penis because he got up in front of the entire school and announced it, after they put on an assembly in his honour.

“No I _don’t!_ ” Tweek protested. “And you _never_ explained that! _Ngh!_ You just said that gay men always wear makeup!”

“No, Tweek, you’re mixing up your memories again. Anyway, ‘member when I thought you were a transboy? It’s because you’re so _pretty_ and _feminine!_ You’re going to look _so beautiful_ when I’m done with you!”

“But _you_ look _terrible!_ ” Tweek put his hands on his hips. “What if I just end up looking like that?”

Anger bubbled up inside Eric. How _dare_ Tweek insinuate something so rude? “No I _don’t,_ I’m flawless and a _slaaaay queeeen,_ ” he defended. “I probably just look different because I’m butch and tough. It’s not a good comparison to girls, who are flimsy and delicate. That’s why I’m using _you._ Now hold the fuck _still,_ goddamnit!”

“ _Rrgh!_ Fine,” said Tweek, and squeezed his eyes shut. “Do I really have the face of an angel?” Eric heard him mumble to himself.

“That’s good, just keep them closed like that,” said Eric as he took out a powdery blue and covered Tweek’s eyelids. Then he added some purple up top, and smeared hot pink at the outer corners. Finally, he took out the brown colour. It seemed weird to use the colour of shit on someone’s eyelids, but Eric knew it would give him that sultry smokey eye that Craig would probably go nuts for. “There you go,” he said. “Wow, you look so _smoking._ ”

Tweek tried to turn and look in the mirror, but Eric grabbed him by the shoulder and forced his back to it again. “ _No,_ Tweek!” he scolded him. “You can’t look until I’m _done!_ It’s bad luck! Now shut your eyes again.” Tweek obeyed him, because he was a little bitch who always did everything he was told, but he gave a full-bodied jiggle and made some kind of whining noise. Eric took out the mascara—this was his _favourite part,_ the 3D Fiber Lashes—and ran them over Tweek’s long pretty eyelashes over and over and over until they were full of definition. Some looked even longer than the others, and they stuck together, making it look like he had strong, thick eyelashes that really empowered him. This would make him look _fierce._

“All right,” he said, his chest swelling with pride. “Let’s open your eyes so I can see the job I did.”

There were about three seconds of pure, undiluted silence between them. Then Tweek _screamed_ at the top of his lungs.

“ _Jesus fucking Christ!_ ” he shouted. “ _I can’t open my eyes! Oh GOD! I can’t OPEN MY EYES!_ ”

“Goddamnit,” said Eric. “Calm _down,_ Tweek, jeez. This is all part of the—”

“ _I’M BLIND! OH SWEET JESUS I’M BLIND!”_ Tweek bolted in a panic; first he ran into the wall with a screech, and then he backtracked in the other direction and hurtled himself like a rocket into the area with the stalls. He was screaming and wailing the entire time. Fuck. If he didn’t stop, Mr. Mackey would come in, and then they’d be busted! He always got a bug up his ass over Eric’s innovative ideas. With a long-suffering _sigh,_ Eric hurried after him.

“Tweek. Tweek. _Tweek!_ ” He managed to corner the hysterical freak in a stall and hold him by the shoulders. Tweek quieted down, but he was breathing hard and shaking fiercely. “You have to calm down or you’ll mess up your makeup!”

“ _Waaagh!_ I don’t want this anymore!” Tweek thrashed in Eric’s grip, but Eric held him firm. He remembered that Craig would often put his hand on Tweek’s back whenever he had these stupid meltdowns, so he clapped him firmly on the back of his shoulder. Tweek yelped. “ _Ow!_ What the _fuck?!_ ”

“There, _there,_ ” Eric recited. Tweek kicked out at him.

“Get it off me!” he squawked, and brought his hands up to claw at his eyes. “ _Aaah!_ Get it _off me!_ ”

“It’s part of the process, Tweek!” Eric shouted at him. “Now if you come back to the sink, we can continue, and then you’ll be able to _see_ again!”

It took a few more minutes of struggling, but Tweek finally relented. Eric hauled him back to the sink and ran some water on a paper towel, then carefully patted the wet spot against Tweek’s sealed lashes. “You have such _long,_ pretty lashes,” he cooed at him. “Sometimes they’re so defined and fierce that they end up sticking together. That’s all.”

Tweek finally managed to peel his eyes open. He pressed a hand to his chest and wheezed. “I’m done with this, man!” he choked out. “I don’t wanna be your stupid model anymore!”

“But _Tweeeek,_ ” Eric tried to convince him, “you look so _pretty._ Don’t you want to look pretty for your boyfriend?”

“No!” Tweek hollered back, like a two-year-old. Eric sighed again. This was all getting to be so _exhausting._ He could see now why so many of his mom’s _YUneeque_ friends had bags under their eyes and wrinkled skin. Hopefully he wouldn’t suffer the same fate one day.

“It’s gonna take some time to get this stuff off your face, then,” Eric replied, and stared down dejectedly at the floor. “I pretty much wasted my whole recess and now I’m gonna miss lunch, too.”

“Well…” Tweek sounded like he was starting to soften up. Eric knew he would, because gays were always really sensitive. He grinned inwardly to himself.

“It… wouldn’t really take _that_ much time to just finish,” he continued, and studied his nails. “Then at least I could say I had _one_ victory today. A victory for gays everywhere, who get beat up all the time for wearing makeup.”

“Okay, _fine,_ ” Tweek said. “You… you can finish.”

“Thank you _so much,_ Tweek,” Eric gushed as he went toward him again. “You’re my hero! I just always wanted you to know that. You’re beautiful and brave, just like Mrs. Jenner. Now open up your lips.” He did so. His breath was _foul._ It was all bitter and nasty. Probably from the coffee he had earlier. “Damn, Tweek,” said Eric, and waved his hand. “I thought coffee was supposed to make your breath smell exotic.”

“ _Gah!_ ” said Tweek, and popped an espresso mint into his mouth. He immediately smelled like a rich decadent mocha, which made Eric’s stomach growl. He took out the berry lip colour and ran it round and round his lips.

“Now, when you do your lips,” Eric explained as he started to draw outside the lines, too, “you want to make them look fuller, plump and flushed like a vagina! ‘Cept you’re gay, so you want to make sure they look like a butthole instead. Pucker your lips out like you’re gonna give me a kiss.”

“ _Wagh!_ ” yelped Tweek. “I’m not _kissing_ you!”

“You’re not _actually_ kissing me, Tweek, for goddess’ sake.” Wendy said that earlier and he really wanted to keep the feminine energy flowing in the room, so he said that instead of ‘God’. He really hoped it wasn’t Jewish or something. Tweek did as he was told, anyway, and Eric smiled bright as the sun as he filled every little crease he could with the rich purply-brown colour. “It’s really starting to look like a butthole now, Tweek!” he said excitedly. Eric went for the pink gloss again, and ran it around and around and around. “Okay, you can stop now,” he said, and when Tweek’s anus-esque lips smoothed themselves out again, he applied another coat of gloss. Goodness, he looked like an angel! Eric wanted to cry at his masterpiece. But there would be plenty of time for that later, when he told Polly Prissypants’s spirit about his day.

Tweek sneezed when the setting powder went on his face, which was kind of annoying. Eric rubbed some pink blush on his chubby cheeks until they were rosy and sweet. “Pucker your lips again,” he said. Tweek did so, and a tear welled up in Eric’s eye. “Okay,” he said. “Excuse me. Okay. You’re just so _beautiful,_ Tweek. You’re going to be the belle of the ball!” He placed his hands on his lovely model’s shoulders, and slowly turned him around to face the mirror.

Tweek screamed bloody murder.

“I just can’t _wait_ to show you off!” Eric called out over his model’s very emotional reaction to looking unfathomably _awesome._ “You _slay!_ ” He could forgive that ungodly screeching, just this once.

Tweek was hyperventilating. Wow, he was _really_ moved by the whole experience. So moved, that it literally took his breath away. He was such a fragile, precious little creature that this whole thing must have really taken its toll on him. He actually looked like he was about to faint, like a delicate maiden, with the way he bent over the sink. Eric was ready to catch him.

Tweek turned on the sink, and immediately began splashing handfuls of water on his face. He let out another loud cry.

“No, Tweek! Don’t do _that!_ ” Eric rushed toward him. “No, you have to use the _paper towels_ to dry your tears! You’re gonna ruin your makeup!”

The door creaked. Tweek let out a high-pitched shriek, bolted past Eric, and locked himself in a stall just as Craig walked into the bathroom.

“Uh,” he asked, “why’s Tweek screaming.” Three girls came in after him, laughing and giggling.

“Why are there boys in here?” shouted Esther.

“Get _out!_ ” yelled Bebe.

“Wait,” said Jessica Rutherfordmenskin. “I think _he_ can be in here though, because he’s gay.”

“Yeah,” said Craig. “I can be in here because I’m gay.”

 

* * *

 

It took some coaxing from Craig to lure Tweek out, but he finally did. Eric supposed Craig wasn’t _entirely_ useless, but he was still an asshole. Especially because he said he’d help where Tweek smeared his mascara, but when he was finished, most of the makeup was gone entirely. At least he left _some_ of it on, but it looked completely different from the vision Eric had. Instead of full, lush lips they were just a little glossier with a subtle pout, there was only a hint of blush on Tweek’s cheeks, and his fierce lashes were gone, too. Sure, they still looked darker and longer, but there was nothing empowering about them anymore. Even the colours of his lids looked all fucked up. The smokey-poop-brown was gone entirely! And only hints of colour remained; you could only see the shimmer whenever Tweek blinked.

“This is all your fault,” Eric grumbled as they walked to the lunch room, Tweek and Craig hand-in-hand. “I’m embarrassed to be seen with you. Craig should be embarrassed too! If you hadn’t fucked up everything none of this woulda happened!”

“ _Tweek?!_ ”

“ _Oh my god!_ ”

A couple of the girls in the hallway rushed over with an excited squeal. “Ohmigosh you look so _cuuute!_ _OH EM GEE!_ ” In fact, the squealing over him caught the attention of _more_ girls, and soon they were gathering in a semicircle around them, until nobody could move. Eric was so outraged he let out a fart, but even the unholy rancid stench of his Double Dew emissions wasn’t enough to deter them.

“You’re _sooo_ adorable!”

“ _Sooo_ cute, I can’t _even!_ ”

“Wow, Eric,” said Wendy. “I guess I underestimated your makeup skills after all.”

“ _I_ didn’t do this shit, you dumb bitch!” Eric shouted. “It was _perfect_ before! Then Cr—”

“No, it was Cartman,” Craig cut in immediately.

“You son of a _bitch!_ ” snarled Eric. It was _just like_ Craig to pull a fucking stunt like this. He should have fucking known. “Stop trying to sabotage my business, you asshole!”

 

TO BE CONTINUED…


End file.
